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what if you'll never be clean again?
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it's amazing how you fall into those emotional cliches that you thought you were way above, or just extremely wary of. here it is, the night before your high school graduation, and things have timed themselves just exactly right to leave you sitting there with this stupid look on your face practically shouting, "what the fuck do i want?" "am i a completely fickle and mediocre person?" "why the fuck do you people put up with me, and is there some punishment in store that i don't know about?" and you're so close to just resigning yourself to whatever happens, to feeling good about feeling good...but something's just tugging at you that you really can't verbalize, and it's not that you're being overly tactful or coy about it, you just really don't know how to accurately describe it, or are too afraid and/or inept to try. so you sit there rambling onto a computer screen using second person to avoid responsibility. meanwhile you're probably completely confusing your already bored readers. so you figure that this is to be expected, that it'll pass, that everything will be clear in the morning, and that no real appraisal of your feelings, or the issues at hand for that matter, is needed. and you might be wrong. (also: you should note that the graduation mixes you'd promised to make for your friends will actually be issued at some unspecified date after the actual graduation, for the explicit reason that you'd really like people to remember you, so you're going to make sure your graduation gift is the last one given, and for the implicit reason that you've been a lazy bastard and victim of a horribly fried brain for the past couple of weeks. but it's really not that you don't care. you promise.)
Current Mood:
confused
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so...haven't written in this in awhile...wasn't sure if i was going to...at least not for an even longer while. but tonight was an interesting thing. tonight was the green day concert (to which i had bought julie tickets for her birthday). and yeah it was what we would call really fucking good...i mean green day man. the show involved billy joe touching himself, an operation ivy cover, a stirring rendition of "shout," half of a mariachi band, a bumble bee and a chicken playing horns, a makeshift band fronted by an eleven year old boy who got to keep the guitar (!), and lots of confetti specially printed with "green day 2002." it was also the first time julie and i (along with dan) had really hung out together in a long time, and the first show we'd gone to together in an even longer time. and man, i guess somewhere along the line the nature of our friendship, and of similar friendships hit me, or maybe just made sense. you're just surrounded by giggling blond girls with their newly lined eyes and not quite unkempt boys with their fresh hemp necklaces and multi-pocketed pants, and there's loud, unabashedly uncomplicated music playing, and it's what a movement never intended to be, but torches blow, confetti snows, and the two of you smile because you're there together, you're looking at the same thing, and you have something to laugh about. they actually played that good riddance song (time of your life) at the end, and i found myself grabbing julie's hand and wanting to cry or just hug for a week. and i never even really liked that song. blink 182 played as well, and although by all common purposes i strongly dislike that band i smiled and laughed and, by god, danced around the whole time. it was pretty much what you'd expect...all the radio songs with sex-joke interludes and the lead guy defaming the drummer's mom and asking who would give him head after the show. but they too had confetti, and closed the show with "dammit," a song that's too deliciously teen flick-esque not to like. it was gaudy. girls wore halters and sat on shoulders and made "i love you" in stead of "rock" with their hands. boys looked up at them and bounced around only to radio songs. there were fireworks. it was TRL and mass marketing and football games and all those things we'd participated in and hated ourselves for and we were there now and we loved it. we sang the words loud and kept pieces of confetti. we left before the encore, and walked out seeing white lights still on and hands in the air. well i guess this is growing up.
Current Mood:
nostalgic
Current Music:
something indiscriminately poppy
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this guy bought a book today at work. i asked him if he wanted a bag and he said, "no thanks. save a plastic tree."
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an eventful weekend. prom was last night, and went quite well. as expected, alex and i proceeded to poke fun at the odd practice of fondue and weird wax figures in pirate suits (at dante's, including mr. ian mckellan and mark twain). on the party bus someone asked him a question, then said "sorry...i just haven't heard you speak all night, and i kinda wanted to know what your voice sounds like." so for the rest of the night he just did his woody allen impression. hot damn...stef and friends were perfect. stef and geoff: not only the paragon of punk rock love, but also of 80's new wave coupledom. and heather: hottest goth queen. damn i was proud. but yeah, we all went to centennial park afterwards, took pictures and played at the playground. then back to stef's to pass out after this large scale southern breakfast by stef's dad (the cooking god). but yeah...a really good time. today: finally obtained a job! it's at borders books...which, despite the trek, will provide me with a hearty discount on music and books. therefore i'm happy. just got back from a concert featuring one mr. rufus wainwright, and hot damn that man's good. his voice sounded exactly the same, and not in a processed, "i'm not versatile" sort of way. if you guys get a chance, download "imaginary love." mmmmmboy. so yeah...i guess that about covers it or this pointless, non-creative update. stuff's good.
Current Mood:
calm
Current Music:
rufus wainwright- one man guy
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man. good to be feeling. period. i was driving yesterday and all of a sudden it hit me that the past four years really will come to this terminable sum, where we all will have this blanket view of what has happened, and forget the exact feel of sticking a head out the window of a friend's car, the getting ready process before an uneventful yet oddly satisfying night. that all this time really has meant something, as discontented as i thought i was, that time was not actually being killed, but thriving. damn. i just wanted to drop everything. today sort of helped me do that...we started studying baudelaire in french...and again, damn. actually got the most pronounced lit twitch i've had in a while, and it kept me going all day. this snowballing workload seems sort of manageable, if not unimportant, which is a huge step. and this whole writing forum thing with nick is really a good influence; i actually know where to go now. apparently i just gotta bite the bullet and write at all costs. meaning, write total crap. that is, until i actually have time for the manifesto, which will happen, for i'm really forming a plan. i promise this time. man...i just feel really goddamn good. and i just want to take you guys and have us all in this place together, where we're not worrying about a thing (although we should be), and just have ourselves some kind of art-worshiping feelgood fest. i sound like an idiot. but look-- no whining. or overanalysis. now that that's worked out i should probably quit embarrassing myself with attempts at conventional speech. vowels and hums here i come. hell, i love everybody.
Current Mood:
hopeful
Current Music:
hayden- dynamite walls
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so yeah. today...went to the last nyu thing before orientation...pretty much the same stuff they always say at these mofos, but for some odd reason the kids were less interested and the parents were more pushy (if that's even possible. one guy actually asked a speaker (who happened to be the parent of an nyu student), "so...how did you feel on september 11th when you weren't sure where your daughter was?" mmmmboy...hooray for tact. then as soon as they finished talking about the fact that there are exactly fifty gajillion things to do in the city, one girl raised her hand and asked, "so, what's the greek life like?" good god man. so in other news...anybody named jane gonna start doing her work any time soon??? doubtful. gonna bomb her ap tests? highly probable. really want to just lay around and read and listen to music and stuff? mmmmmmm. dammit. i swear i'm going to stop whining on this thing. i promise from now on it'll just be relevant, thought-provoking anecdotes and bubbly praise of the world in general. that's what i'll do. hmmm yes. oh yeah, and if you want to see a full 20 minute sex scene with billy bob thorton and halle barry, go see monster's ball. and if you want to feel really awkward in a theater full of middle aged folk, go see monster's ball.
Current Mood:
hyper
Current Music:
rufus wainwright- in my arms
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grrrr. yeah. haven't written in a little bit, and i probably won't now. just checkin in and saying that i have no idea what's going on with you guys (well, except for seeing most of you at school and all). and you know why i don't know what's going on? because the livejournal server is a moody little bitch, that's why. well...don't know when the whole thing will be functioning normally again, but i do know one thing: livejournal malfunctions keep me feelin' mean!
Current Mood:
annoyed
Current Music:
rufus wainwright- cigarettes and chocolate milk
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got back from savannah/athens today. much fun was had, general happy-go-luckitude experienced. we went out to the beach very very late at night, and although we didn't get to see the damn sunrise we'd been waiting for (seven days! stefanie said) the air and sprawl of perfect packing sand were pretty sublime. tybee island has these crazy sandbars that stretch surprisingly far... hop onto one and by high tide you have your own little island. we need to go back. but yeah... we saw against me in athens. damn. one seething clash-reminiscent college dance party. meanwhile stef's geoff was in town as well, and man: that's some ridiculously cute punk rock love right there. there's something about being around stef and heather that just does a person good...if the past couple days have been anything like what this summer will bring, then there's even more fun to be had. ahhh.
Current Mood:
pleased
Current Music:
against me! - those anarcho punks are mysterious...
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ahh the sluggish resurrection after death by vodka. last night got pretty ugly. munchkin and friends sure know how to party. had fun and all...good people and such, but the wee jane must adhere to her limits. but in other news...the folks got back today, thereby ending my foray into the wacky world of independent livin. bummer. and to think...i only had one true night of craziness. i suppose that's how it's going to be for me; the freedom won't exactly come with guaranteed nonstop action. because i'm lazy and a dork. but i am rather psyched about this prospective disgruntled writers party...should be quite the night if i can just not pickle myself to the point of utter breakdown. i think tomorrow i will make the final commitment to good old nyu...scary scary stuff. but the force will be trusted on this one. mmmm. chopin's funeral march is much sexier than folks give it credit for. well this entry has taken much time for minimal result. damn shortened attention span.
Current Mood:
exanimate
Current Music:
chopin
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